Humour inspired by 3 UK

Financial Peril
---------------

The following question appeared in the 2005 Industrial Economics examination paper at the London School of Economics:

Question 14a
The population of these unfortunate creatures is decimated around Thanksgiving every year. What are they?

The markers were advised to award full marks if the student mentioned turkeys or Hutchison 3G employees in their answer.

Frugalis Extremis
-----------------

Two engineers from 3UK needed to attend a 3G conference but the company was broke and could only afford one air ticket.

The engineer boarded the aircraft and, with help from a stewardess, managed to get his large, lumpy suitcase into the overhead locker. "Do you always travel with such heavy luggage?" the stewardess enquired.

"This is the last time," he grumbled. "On the return journey my colleague will carry the suitcase."

More Retrenchments
------------------

A 3G telco was going downhill and they were forced to act. The CTO received his orders and dutifully carried them out. Then a week later he was told the CEO wanted to see him.

"Please explain," demanded the CEO. "There are as many people in the office today as when I told you to reduce your staff."

"Reduce my staff? When you said we all needed crew cuts I thought . . ."

IPO Briefing
------------

3 held an information session in the City to spruik enthusiasm amongst institutional investors for the proposed 3UK share float. They hired an auditorium in the same function centre where a wizards' convention was being held and, due to an unfortunate mix-up, a magic microphone was installed in the wrong auditorium. The microphone was unusual in that if anyone spoke a lie into it, that person would disappear.

The Master of Ceremonies greeted the audience. He thanked everyone for attending and introduced the first speaker, the CTO.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Technical Officer. It's no secret that we've had some serious problems with our network and IT systems. But I think we are finally getting on top of them." POOF! He disappeared.

The audience was shocked but the MC was an old pro, he remained calm and professional and introduced the second speaker.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Financial Officer. It's no secret that our business model was deeply flawed and we've been losing an awful lot of money. But I think we've turned the corner and we'll be a viable business soon." POOF! He disappeared.

The audience gasped with alarm but the MC didn't falter. He immediately introduced the final speaker.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Executive Officer. I think . . ." POOF! He disappeared.

Winnie the Psychic
------------------

I am blessed with the gift of seeing the future. My mother was a psychic, as was her mother, and now my reputation is spreading beyond Nigeria. I'm also good at cooking and anagrams.

Although England is far, far away I sense great anguish over the coming 3UK share float. Will it be successful or will the share price plunge to gloomy depths?

Many minds troubling over this question would be at peace if the answer was already known, so I decided to apply my great powers to the problem. First, I wrote the following words on parchment:

"3UK share float"

Then I tore it up, recited a secret incantation and threw the pieces into the air. The pieces fell to the ground and formed a new message. The message was:

"Fate hurls 3 a KO"

This is the answer you've been seeking.

Hullo Hullo Hullo
-----------------

3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts.

The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?"

The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide".

His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police.

The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one execu

Body [quote="Mandy C"]Financial Peril --------------- The following question appeared in the 2005 Industrial Economics examination paper at the London School of Economics: Question 14a The population of these unfortunate creatures is decimated around Thanksgiving every year. What are they? The markers were advised to award full marks if the student mentioned turkeys or Hutchison 3G employees in their answer. Frugalis Extremis ----------------- Two engineers from 3UK needed to attend a 3G conference but the company was broke and could only afford one air ticket. The engineer boarded the aircraft and, with help from a stewardess, managed to get his large, lumpy suitcase into the overhead locker. "Do you always travel with such heavy luggage?" the stewardess enquired. "This is the last time," he grumbled. "On the return journey my colleague will carry the suitcase." More Retrenchments ------------------ A 3G telco was going downhill and they were forced to act. The CTO received his orders and dutifully carried them out. Then a week later he was told the CEO wanted to see him. "Please explain," demanded the CEO. "There are as many people in the office today as when I told you to reduce your staff." "Reduce my staff? When you said we all needed crew cuts I thought . . ." IPO Briefing ------------ 3 held an information session in the City to spruik enthusiasm amongst institutional investors for the proposed 3UK share float. They hired an auditorium in the same function centre where a wizards' convention was being held and, due to an unfortunate mix-up, a magic microphone was installed in the wrong auditorium. The microphone was unusual in that if anyone spoke a lie into it, that person would disappear. The Master of Ceremonies greeted the audience. He thanked everyone for attending and introduced the first speaker, the CTO. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Technical Officer. It's no secret that we've had some serious problems with our network and IT systems. But I think we are finally getting on top of them." POOF! He disappeared. The audience was shocked but the MC was an old pro, he remained calm and professional and introduced the second speaker. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Financial Officer. It's no secret that our business model was deeply flawed and we've been losing an awful lot of money. But I think we've turned the corner and we'll be a viable business soon." POOF! He disappeared. The audience gasped with alarm but the MC didn't falter. He immediately introduced the final speaker. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Executive Officer. I think . . ." POOF! He disappeared. Winnie the Psychic ------------------ I am blessed with the gift of seeing the future. My mother was a psychic, as was her mother, and now my reputation is spreading beyond Nigeria. I'm also good at cooking and anagrams. Although England is far, far away I sense great anguish over the coming 3UK share float. Will it be successful or will the share price plunge to gloomy depths? Many minds troubling over this question would be at peace if the answer was already known, so I decided to apply my great powers to the problem. First, I wrote the following words on parchment: "3UK share float" Then I tore it up, recited a secret incantation and threw the pieces into the air. The pieces fell to the ground and formed a new message. The message was: "Fate hurls 3 a KO" This is the answer you've been seeking. Hullo Hullo Hullo ----------------- 3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts. The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?" The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide". His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police. The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one execu[/quote]

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Hullo Hullo Hullo
-----------------

3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts.

The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?"

The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide".

His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police.

The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one executive drinking battery acid, and the other eating fireworks.

The police charged one and let the other one off.

Workaholic
----------

3's CEO is in his office practicing his golf putting. He opens his cupboard to get out his new putter and notices an antique oil lamp beneath his golf bag and tennis racquets. After retrieving the lamp he gives it a polish and a genie appears who, as usual, grants him three wishes.

"I wish to be on a tropical island by the seaside," says the CEO. Poof! He finds himself on a beach in the Bahamas.

"Oooh, it's nice and hot here," he says. "I wish I had an ice cold drink." Poof! He finds a pina colada in his hand.

He says, "For my third wish, I wish I never have to work again." Poof! He finds himself back in the UK in his office.

Nostradamus
-----------

Oh my God. Nostradamus has foretold the end of 3UK at the hands of Richard Branson ...

C3Q22

Six days the attack made before the city:
Battle will be given strong and harsh:
Three will surrender it, and to them pardon:
The rest to fire and to bloody slicing and cutting.

C8Q77

The antichrist very soon annihilates the three,
twenty-seven years his war will last.
The unbelievers are dead, captive, exiled;
with blood, human bodies, water and red hail covering the earth.

The Leprechaun
--------------

"Sold!" said Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman into the telephone.

The next morning 3UK's CEO arrives at work and finds a small elf-like creature standing in his office. Before it has a chance to run away the CEO grabs it by the arm. The CEO thinks to himself "I thought leprechauns only existed in jokes. But I know the routine - I only get one wish so I'd better not waste it".

The CEO muses, "This could be my big break. I might finally be able to improve things around here. But where do I start? The mobile phone network isn't working properly, the billing and I.T. systems are a mess, the business plan is failing, the customers are deserting, losses are mounting and the employees are making up jokes about me. A cruel dilemma: so many things to wish for, but only one wish. There must be a way to fix everything..."

Suddenly the CEO exclaims, "I have it!" He turns to the little creature and says, "I wish I was no longer CEO of a dysfunctional company!"

"Your wish is granted," said the new owner of 3, Richard Branson.

Two Cows
--------

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

HUTCHISON WHAMPOA ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
One cow dies.
You claim to have twelve cows.

3 UK ECONOMICS
You have two cows but you sell one to cover operating losses.
You force your remaining cow to produce the milk of four cows.
It drops dead and you're forced to rent one of the Indian cows.

3 ITALY ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You claim they're not cows, they're mobile media elephants.

Seasons Greetings
-----------------

The following message was emailed by Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman to all Hong Kong-based staff ...

Seasons Greetings. Normally at this time of year we treat our staff to a spectacular fireworks display over Hong Kong Harbour as an expression of our appreciation for your efforts throughout the year. However, we are living in troubled times and it is important that we remember people who are in greater need than ourselves. So this year

Body [quote="Mandy C"]Hullo Hullo Hullo ----------------- 3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts. The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?" The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide". His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police. The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one executive drinking battery acid, and the other eating fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off. Workaholic ---------- 3's CEO is in his office practicing his golf putting. He opens his cupboard to get out his new putter and notices an antique oil lamp beneath his golf bag and tennis racquets. After retrieving the lamp he gives it a polish and a genie appears who, as usual, grants him three wishes. "I wish to be on a tropical island by the seaside," says the CEO. Poof! He finds himself on a beach in the Bahamas. "Oooh, it's nice and hot here," he says. "I wish I had an ice cold drink." Poof! He finds a pina colada in his hand. He says, "For my third wish, I wish I never have to work again." Poof! He finds himself back in the UK in his office. Nostradamus ----------- Oh my God. Nostradamus has foretold the end of 3UK at the hands of Richard Branson ... C3Q22 Six days the attack made before the city: Battle will be given strong and harsh: Three will surrender it, and to them pardon: The rest to fire and to bloody slicing and cutting. C8Q77 The antichrist very soon annihilates the three, twenty-seven years his war will last. The unbelievers are dead, captive, exiled; with blood, human bodies, water and red hail covering the earth. The Leprechaun -------------- "Sold!" said Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman into the telephone. The next morning 3UK's CEO arrives at work and finds a small elf-like creature standing in his office. Before it has a chance to run away the CEO grabs it by the arm. The CEO thinks to himself "I thought leprechauns only existed in jokes. But I know the routine - I only get one wish so I'd better not waste it". The CEO muses, "This could be my big break. I might finally be able to improve things around here. But where do I start? The mobile phone network isn't working properly, the billing and I.T. systems are a mess, the business plan is failing, the customers are deserting, losses are mounting and the employees are making up jokes about me. A cruel dilemma: so many things to wish for, but only one wish. There must be a way to fix everything..." Suddenly the CEO exclaims, "I have it!" He turns to the little creature and says, "I wish I was no longer CEO of a dysfunctional company!" "Your wish is granted," said the new owner of 3, Richard Branson. Two Cows -------- TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies. INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. FRENCH ECONOMICS You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. HUTCHISON WHAMPOA ECONOMICS You have two cows. One cow dies. You claim to have twelve cows. 3 UK ECONOMICS You have two cows but you sell one to cover operating losses. You force your remaining cow to produce the milk of four cows. It drops dead and you're forced to rent one of the Indian cows. 3 ITALY ECONOMICS You have two cows. You claim they're not cows, they're mobile media elephants. Seasons Greetings ----------------- The following message was emailed by Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman to all Hong Kong-based staff ... Seasons Greetings. Normally at this time of year we treat our staff to a spectacular fireworks display over Hong Kong Harbour as an expression of our appreciation for your efforts throughout the year. However, we are living in troubled times and it is important that we remember people who are in greater need than ourselves. So this year[/quote]

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H3G UK Christmas Party
----------------------

The following message was emailed by 3UK's CEO to all staff ...

Due to the company's deteriorating finances I regret to inform you that there will be no fireworks at this year's Christmas party. I know many of you were looking forward to the fireworks but the money set aside for their purchase has been used to pay an overdue electricity bill.

Rather than dispense with the traditional Christmas fireworks display I've come up with a cost-effective alternative.

Don't do it now for God's sake! But during the Christmas party click on the URL below, and when the black box appears, click your mouse all over the black box.

http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html

I hope you enjoy the fireworks, and I pray that 2006 is kinder for the company than the last three years were (if not, we're screwed).

Automation
----------

A 3G telecommunications company, who I cannot name, was losing millions of pounds every week so they hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could reduce costs without having a negative impact on customer service. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with unnecessary big expenses like salaries.

How? He would create several complex machines that could take over all of the customer care jobs. For example, when a customer walked into one of the new retail outlets a machine would assess the customer's needs by checking their temperature, blood pressure, and so forth. If, say, the machine deemed that the customer needed a new mobile phone service a conveyor belt would transport him/her to a booth where they would be locked in until an application form had been correctly filled in and the contract signed.

The consultant realized that this would be an unsettling experience for customers at first, so he arranged for a pre-recorded voice to be played throughout the process to guide the customer and to reassure them that everything was working properly.

After the new equipment had been installed everything worked as designed until the first customer had been whisked away and locked in a booth. This was when the voice recording said, "This automated system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ."

The Three Marketeers
--------------------

3UK's CEO was angry. 'The uptake of video calling is essential for our survival,' he reminded the marketing men, 'but so far it has been a complete flop and we're facing disaster. Now go out there and do something about it!'

The marketing men had an idea and went to see the Pope. They said, 'We'll give a million pounds to the Church if you agree to change the Bible. Where it now says "Give us this day our daily bread" we'd like it to say "Give us this day our daily video call."'

The Pope was outraged, 'No. I won't tamper with the Word of God!'

'Okay, ten million pounds but that's our final offer.'

The Pope could resist no longer and accepted.

At the next General Council, the Pope announced, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I've made ten million pounds for the Church. The bad news is we've lost the Hovis account.'

Blind Optimism
--------------

3 and LG have announced a new video phone specifically designed for blind people. The LG-Z880 has a grid of 3,600 pins instead of the usual screen. The pins rise individually from their normal positions to represent a video image that users can "see" with their fingertips.

According to Srini Krishnahardwani, the 3UK's Strategic Affairs Director, speaking from 3UK's Calcutta offices, "0.12 percent of Britain's population is blind which equates to seventy thousand people. We believe this design will allow blind people to participate in the video-calling phenomenon which we are still hopeful will one day sweep the country."

Body [quote="Mandy C"]H3G UK Christmas Party ---------------------- The following message was emailed by 3UK's CEO to all staff ... Due to the company's deteriorating finances I regret to inform you that there will be no fireworks at this year's Christmas party. I know many of you were looking forward to the fireworks but the money set aside for their purchase has been used to pay an overdue electricity bill. Rather than dispense with the traditional Christmas fireworks display I've come up with a cost-effective alternative. Don't do it now for God's sake! But during the Christmas party click on the URL below, and when the black box appears, click your mouse all over the black box. http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html I hope you enjoy the fireworks, and I pray that 2006 is kinder for the company than the last three years were (if not, we're screwed). Automation ---------- A 3G telecommunications company, who I cannot name, was losing millions of pounds every week so they hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could reduce costs without having a negative impact on customer service. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with unnecessary big expenses like salaries. How? He would create several complex machines that could take over all of the customer care jobs. For example, when a customer walked into one of the new retail outlets a machine would assess the customer's needs by checking their temperature, blood pressure, and so forth. If, say, the machine deemed that the customer needed a new mobile phone service a conveyor belt would transport him/her to a booth where they would be locked in until an application form had been correctly filled in and the contract signed. The consultant realized that this would be an unsettling experience for customers at first, so he arranged for a pre-recorded voice to be played throughout the process to guide the customer and to reassure them that everything was working properly. After the new equipment had been installed everything worked as designed until the first customer had been whisked away and locked in a booth. This was when the voice recording said, "This automated system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ." The Three Marketeers -------------------- 3UK's CEO was angry. 'The uptake of video calling is essential for our survival,' he reminded the marketing men, 'but so far it has been a complete flop and we're facing disaster. Now go out there and do something about it!' The marketing men had an idea and went to see the Pope. They said, 'We'll give a million pounds to the Church if you agree to change the Bible. Where it now says "Give us this day our daily bread" we'd like it to say "Give us this day our daily video call."' The Pope was outraged, 'No. I won't tamper with the Word of God!' 'Okay, ten million pounds but that's our final offer.' The Pope could resist no longer and accepted. At the next General Council, the Pope announced, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I've made ten million pounds for the Church. The bad news is we've lost the Hovis account.' Blind Optimism -------------- 3 and LG have announced a new video phone specifically designed for blind people. The LG-Z880 has a grid of 3,600 pins instead of the usual screen. The pins rise individually from their normal positions to represent a video image that users can "see" with their fingertips. According to Srini Krishnahardwani, the 3UK's Strategic Affairs Director, speaking from 3UK's Calcutta offices, "0.12 percent of Britain's population is blind which equates to seventy thousand people. We believe this design will allow blind people to participate in the video-calling phenomenon which we are still hopeful will one day sweep the country."[/quote]

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ok cheered me up

Body [quote="Trust me i can help"]ok cheered me up[/quote]

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